September 21, 2022
Children
Separation is never easy and separating with kids adds another dimension to the process. So many things will change, not just for you, but for your children as well.
Anticipating these changes can help you prepare for a less stressful transition to your new reality. Here are some of the key things you may need to consider when you’re separating with kids.
This is probably the hardest thing you’ll be required to do. Much will depend on the age and maturity of the children but, nevertheless, it is not going to be easy. The best advice anyone can give is to put aside your differences and emotions and break the news to all of them together, in a calm and dignified manner as is possible, reducing the impact for them.
If you have any safety concerns or feel either one of you may be unable to remain calm, arrange for a family counsellor or close relative with whom the children feel comfortable to be present.
Decide with your ex beforehand, how much information to divulge, keeping it age-appropriate, avoiding giving too much information and laying blame on anyone. All they need to know is that you are no longer happy living together.
There may be tears, anxiety, disappointment and other emotions. But on the other hand, the children may have already sensed that things have not been going so well between the two of you, and it may not come as a total surprise. In some cases, where there has been serious conflict, the news can even be met with a sense of relief.
Children’s future needs are usually of prime concern for divorcing parents, and should be considered and arranged to the finer details, even before breaking the news to them. They would naturally want to know where they will live, with whom, whether they can still attend the same school, continue seeing their friends, how often they will see their other parent, etc.
You need to consider all of these issues and, hopefully, have some agreement with your ex about how to respond to the kids.
Commonly, the number one concern for children is their new living arrangements. They may be required to move with one parent to another home, or they may remain in the family home. Once they know what their new living arrangements are and who will take them to school, the other issues will fall into place and they begin the process of adjusting to their new lives.
In most divorce cases, it’s impossible for all of the children’s routines to remain unchanged, or to have the exact set of rules in both households. But, by trying to keep the changes to a minimum and applying the same disciplinary rules they are accustomed to, will certainly make the adjustments to their new lifestyles a lot easier for them.
It’s best if both homes can retain a daily routine that is as close to the one they were used to in the past, and continue doing the same or similar things. Unless they will have to move to another city, allow the children to continue their schooling, extra activities and socialising with their friends.
And most importantly, point out clearly the things that will remain the same.
Most married or de facto couples, list their partners as beneficiaries and sometimes as executor to their estates. They often give them power of attorney for all matters including the power to make medical directives on their behalf.
Updating your will and insurance policies is of great importance when separating. Your ex may otherwise end up inheriting your entire estate in the untimely event of your death.
The more amicable your relationship is with your ex after the divorce, the easier it will be for you both to co-parent successfully. If an amicable relationship is not possible, at least agree with your ex not to argue or badmouth each other in front of the children. Set out ground rules with your ex on how you both need to behave and ensure you both stick to them.
Allow the children to spend as much time as possible with the other parent and agree with your ex not to discuss any financial matters with the children. Do not use your children to relay messages to your ex and never use them to “spy” on your ex either. Doing that only increases their level of stress and making it more difficult for them to adapt to their new lives.
Remember that whatever you do, do it only if it’s in the best interests of you children. This is perhaps the cardinal rule for successful co-parenting.
Make it clear that they can talk to you anytime, ask any question, or make any suggestions to improve their lives. This will make them feel important, loved, and reassure them that you’re still one family despite living in separate homes.
By spending as much time with them as possible and remaining close, will also help you to deal with your own grief and help you get through this difficult and most stressful period in your life.
For help moving on quickly and amicably when separating with kids, talk to Ian Shann today. As an accredited family mediator in Perth, he can help you come to a mutual agreement with your ex on how to settle your matters without leaving those decisions to the Family Court system.
Call Ian now for a confidential discussion on 0418 928 448.
Accredited Family Mediator in Perth
Ian’s commitment is simple—to help keep separated couples out of the Family Court and minimise their need for lawyers, saving them time, money and anguish. Under Ian’s guidance, separated couples are able to Move On with their lives through family mediation.
December 13, 2024
Relationships
Navigating co-parenting as divorced parents can be challenging but, with the right tools and mindset, you can create a harmonious environment for your children. Open and effective communication is the key to making this work.
September 27, 2024
Mediation
What happens after family mediation depends entirely on whether you reach agreements on all, some, or none of the issues you are seeking to resolve.
The process was so much quicker and easier than I anticipated – after everything I have heard about lawyers! And it was re-assuring for me to know how much it was going to cost at the start, not when it was all over. Thanks, Ian. I’d recommend you to anyone who wants a solution seeker and quick results.
— Bree F, Fremantle WA
Ian, your patience and persistence really helped us get to an agreement I thought we could never reach. I’d recommend you to anyone who wants to get family issues resolved as painlessly as possible.
— Michael G, Safety Bay WA
Thank you once more for your kindness, wisdom and counsel.
— Georgie N, Wangara WA
Ian worked hard to enable us to reach an agreement. He was always happy to discuss and explain everything we needed.
— Cathy & Steve, Subiaco WA